No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize