and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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