You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
