If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
