Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
