I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
try to milk me bitch
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