I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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