i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Are we still banned from the library?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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