"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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