I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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