at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
