Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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