I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
