You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize