Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
