I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
