I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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