what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
