Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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