dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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