enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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