I don't usually arrange sex via text message
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
