Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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