you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
