How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
