I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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