god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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