do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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