OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
