i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
