When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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