the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
