I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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