do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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