I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
