my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
