I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
