FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
