He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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