so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
