Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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