I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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