Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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