so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
