Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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