i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
