So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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