Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
