I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
