Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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