drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
