living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
