I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
