it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
