Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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