two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
