so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
