I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
