You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
