I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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