I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
