And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
