i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
