theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
