I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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