My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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