I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
