Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
