So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
