I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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